Well, it’s happened. I haven’t written anything in so long that I feel bad about it. It’s partially because Katie Rubin started writing a mom blog that is so good, it basically made me never want to write again. It’s also partially because KIDS. TWO KIDS.
My last post, interestingly enough, was for Willow’s 2nd Birthday. Now we are days away from Violet’s 1st. What?
I’m sitting here staring at my laptop screen, thinking of all the different things I could say. The cliché: it’s gone so fast! The obvious: so much has changed! The sentimental: so much has happened! It’s all true. I don’t know where the last 6 months went. My babies are so big (and still so small). I spend a lot of time (but not as much as before) feeling totally overwhelmed by the things I have to do to prevent the house from looking like a wild animal preserve. Almost as much time as I spend taking inappropriate/dangerous objects out of Violet’s mouth and then ignoring the impressive baby tantrums that follow. Asking Willow to please share, to please play nice, to STAY STILL so I can brush your hair, to BE A BIG GIRL AND HELP MOMMY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, and then feeling bad for yelling, again.
I also hear “please”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, and “I love you” regularly from a 2-year-old. I get big cuddles and sloppy kisses from Violet. I can easily make them both laugh so hard they get the hiccups. I sneak into their rooms at night and marvel at their sweet sleeping faces, placing my hand on their stomachs just to feel the rise and fall. I feel crazy because sometimes the weight of knowing these kids are my responsibility forever is so intense – that it’s my job to raise them to be understanding, loving, and kind. That I have to set an example for them in a world that is constantly changing and that I can only pretend I know how to appropriately navigate myself. Sometimes after a hard week all I can do is cry to my husband about how I now think that the nature of being a stay at home mom is to feel under-appreciated, and yes, I know it’s kind of ridiculous to feel under-appreciated by a 2 and 1-year-old. And I feel crazy because I want more kids.
Here’s the thing – life is good. It’s really, really hard, and some days I am counting down the hours not just until the kids go to bed but until I can fix myself a gin and tonic. I still struggle with loneliness, and feeling like I’ve totally lost touch with my former life which can feel like a good or bad thing, depending on the day. I still look in the mirror and try to be kind. But life is good – so, so good that sometimes I ache with the feeling. It’s all just a balancing act – balancing all the love and joy and desperation and sadness and crazy you feel each day. And then again. And then again. AND THEN AGAIN. (….!)